Mi mamá biológica me vino a visitar, solo vino por unas horas pero eso fue suficiente para arruinarme el dí completo. Yo nunca he vivido con ella, la madre de la que hablo en este blog es, en realidad, mi tía abuela paterna; ella, con ayuda de mi tío abuelo, me recogieron de la casa de mi familia biológica y me criarion desde los 4 meses. Estaba desnutrido, anémico y alopécico; al borde de la muerte, o al menos eso dice mi familia. Yo fuí el que menos sufrió de mis dos hermanos. Te puedes dar una idea con eso.
Verla en persona después de casi 6 años sin contacto algúno, se sintió... extraño. Saber que ella es mi madre biológica y no conocerla, no sentir ninguna pizca de cariño... me hizo sentir raro. No se si llorar, sentir coraje, o suprimirlo todo. Y no debería sentirme así. Sé que no tengo derecho a sentirme así sabiendo que yo tuve suerte. Pero no puedo parar de sentir un nudo en la garganta cada vez que pienso en ello. Me dije a mí mismo que, cuando la viera, no la dejaría pasar a mi casa, la trataría con desprecio, le diría que no la quiero ver nunca más, le reprocharia acerca de todo lo que le hizo a mis hermanos, todo lo que me hizo a mí. Cuando la vi en mi puerta, los años mostrados en su cara, no supe que hacer. La recibí en mi casa, le di un vaso con soda, hablamos de muchas cosas y nada a la vez. No hubo reproches, no hubo lágrimas, ni peleas. Le mostré fotos del gato que alimentaba y que no he visto desde hace 2 semanas. Me dió su número, lo añadí como contacto en mi teléfono, me dió 400 pesos, y nos despedimos con un abrazo y un beso en el cachete.
Me siento cobarde, y es porque lo soy. La tenía ahí enfrente, le pude haber dicho muchas cosas, demasiadas. Pero me quedé callado, y la traté como otra invitada más. Algunas veces me siento culpable por haber querido tener una familia como las ponen en las películas. Siempre he tenido ese deseo, de haber tenido a mi familia biológica junta, amorosa y feliz. Pero ahora no pude verla a los ojos, y ni siquiera puedo llamarle a mis hermanos para preguntarles por su día, o sobre qué hicieron en el trabajo. Los años pasaron y ni cuenta me dí. Ahora viviré con el dolor de no haber pasado tiempo con ellos, de no haber hecho memorias con ellos. Los amo mucho, aunque yo no los llame y aunque se me haga difícil demostrarlo, sí los amo. Los quiero y amo por igual. Y me duele tanto no poder demostrarlo. Creo que ese será uno de mis más grandes arrepentimientos.
Cobarde, cobarde, cobarde.
Ever felt like an entire different person? I mean.. my self from home is completely different from my self from school, almost as if they're entire different people.
I don't recognize myself when I'm at school. And my "school" self doesn't recognize me too. Am I imagining things, or does my writing style changes when I'm in a different setting?? Take a look at entries that I have written in school versus entries that were written while I was at my house. Strange.
Everything feels so off.
I want to hug you tight until I break your spine as much as I want to push you away and force you to forget about me.
I have to remind myself everytime I look at my reflection that I an real; that I am a person. That there is a living, real person human on the other side of the mirror. I don't know if the thought should bring me comfort or make me afraid.
Even then, I take one good look at myself; the way my face distorts and changes if I look a second too long, and makes me doubt if this is even my body at all tells me that I will never, even if I prayed until my throat went sore, be a person.
Because in the eyes of others I can feel a hint of discomfort everytime I'm near. They see me and they don't see a human, they don't see a person, something akin to one, but never one of them.
Okay I don't HATE her, but I hate the way she explains things. I can't understand her at all and it SUCKS because math is probably going to be the subject I'll fail this year and the way she teaches doesn't help.
I'm gonna switch to Spanish for this one.
Estoy en la clase de matemáticas mientras escribo esto. La maestra me está sacando de quicio con sus explicaciones todas revoltosas y confusas. En este parcial me puse la meta de ponerme al corriente con el trabajo que me ponen, porque la verdad es que estoy al borde de ir a título. Ni siquiera e consultado mis calificaciones, ASÍ de cañona está la situación. Pero la maestra de matemáticas hace lo POSIBLE para que no la pueda cumplir.
Se avienta una explicación de 30 minutos y nos deja 10 minutos para hacer un trabajo de 1 hora. Yo sé que si utilizara la IA para que me haga el trabajo no tendrí que preocuparme por eso. Pero NO!!!! tengo principios y morales que sostener. No es así de fácil.
Bue, valgo verga. Si me voy otra vez a título me voy a ahorcar. o me voy a drogar con analgésicos sin receta hasta sufrir de una sobredosis mortal.
It's almost the two month anniversary of this blog, life has not changed much from the first day I created this. I have lost friends, haven't made new ones... but I did began to talk to old friends again, so that's a win for me. :-)
Friends. Friends, friends, friends... they all feel meaningless to me now. I feel bad for feeling this way, but when you're constantly isolating yourself from your friends, you don't see the point in making more. I love them dearly. But, not being able to handle change does these things to you; it makes you uneasy all the time, it makes you feel grief for every single little thing, and you miss. You miss, you miss and you keep missing everything that is no longer with you. Whether it'll be objects, places, or people. Maybe even yourself. It messes you up, and it makes you not want to talk to anyone, not want to make new memories. But it also makes you very self-conscious of how much time you're wasting, and how much you're missing out on. No matter how you see it, you can't win this one.
It keeps happening to me, and I try so, so hard to repress all of it and not think about. Just stop thinking about it Stop thinking about it Stop thinking about it
I just want everything to go to the way it was. I want to go to the way I was before everything. Please.
It pisses me off when I'm too busy to write an entry. Because whenever something happens, I like to write it in here, you know? To have some sort of order in my life and see if I have improved or gotten worse. And I need to do it in the MOMENT otherwise I will not be able to describe it accurately some other time. Does that make sense? Can you understand me?
On Friday [22th of May] I went to the city's zoo for a rally the school was hosting. My team tried okay I'm not doing this. I'm not in the mood I just want to sedate my brain with dopamine and daydreams Goodbye.
I forgot to write an entry yesterday. sigh.
Handling wires while listening to screamo is top ten best experiences for me
I decided to sneak into the computer lab to write in here while listening to music and eating peanuts in secret #peaknerdactivities. after what happened yesterday I should give myself a break from people me thinks. Another year is supposed to be in class at this hour but uhhh as long as the teacher doesn't call me out I think I'm good.
Oh my god he turned off the lights I'm in HEAVEN!!!!
So, I don't have any friends in my group; which made me realize that I'm starting to like being alone. At one point I hated the idea of being alone, but I got used to it. Uhh what else? I feel like I forgot something important. hmm
OH MY GOD ITS THE SAME YEAR AND GROUP AS ONE OF MY FRIENDS Oh I'm definitely texting him. He hasn't noticed me yet.. hehehehhe
I couldn't text my friend they kicked me out LOOOOOOLLL they finally got my ass. Also the friend I was talking about in the last entry uh.. wanted to talk to me. I didn't hear him out fuck no man I was having a good day
Wow I really turned out to be horrible
The last friend I had on my group may or may not not want to be friends with me anymore. Yes, he's the same guy from entry 16, 26 and 27. I had to explain to him about the stuff that happened on the 27th (see entry 18 for context), and, well, at that time I told him that my cuts were cat scratches so I didn't have to worry him. Well, today I told him that they weren't.
He acted so... strange when I told him that. He didn't even looked at me when he gave me back my ict book and he completely ignored me for the rest of the day. Whatever, no hard feelings. At least I have my friends from other groups, so I'll be alright.
I'm writing this from the school computer!!!! it's so comfortable :-D ALSO it brings me back to my graphic design days.
I need to stop pulling all-nighters on a school day. I'm supposed to be awake at 5:00 A.M.🥹
When someone purges, the knuckles hit the back of the throat and if you do it constantly it can provoke the Russell's sign; Callouses or cuts on the knuckles. It can damage teeth, hair, your larynx and phanyx; it can pop the blood vessels on your eyes, your salivary glands become swollen, and many many more effects.
I can't imagine doing that every day. I tried that, just now. I couldn't vomit. I couldn't get it out.
Well, at least that nauseous sensation calmed down for a bit. I'll keep drinking water until it's gone completely.
God, I'm shaking.
Does it count as self harm if I eat until my stomach burns but I surpress the urge to vomit just to keep that feeling of sickness in me?
I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit I want to vomit oh god it hurts
I have mental disorders and illnesses so normalized to the point where someone being shocked at a graphic representation of it makes me feel... confused? I don't think that's the word for it. It reminds me that, what I feel, what everyone arounds me feels, is not normal. For some reason I've always picture everyone having at least ONE mental illness, a disorder, trauma, Anything. Having friends who do not suffer from any of those things and seeing their reactions to the things I talk about made me realize some fucked up things about myself. First of all, I have underestimated how messed up I am, and what I have gone through. Hearing about people, especially the ones I love, go through the most horrible situations you could ever imagine made me think "This is the norm, this is what I should expect from life" and I STILL stand by that even to this day. Last of all, because of that, I always compared my problems to the people around me, and I came to the conclusion that I am not THAT messed up in the head, that my problems are NOTHING compared to them. That's why I've wanted to get worse. I want my problems to get worse I want my mind to get worse I want EVERYTHING to get worse only to feel an OUNCE of validation. I never feel like my problems are valid, and I get jealous of other people who have it worse. It's SICK. I am disgusted by myself and I hate that I feel this way.
What does this have to do with DDLC?? well,,, as much as it makes me cringe to admit this, I feel a bit validated whenever I see people react to te game. Since I relate to all the girls in some way or another, when a person blind reacts to the poems, or sayori's confession, evenwhen they realize about yuri's struggles to socialize or natsuki's situation, it makes me snap back to reality, and it makes me feel heard. That's why I love that game so much. It resonates with me a lot, it makes me feel heard and it reminds me that my problems are enough. I don't NEED to be worse for them to be valid, and things like mental health and struggles are NOT a competition.
Maybe I'll write about what I relate about the three girls in another entry, but for now I'm tired of writing. I'll distract myself with something else.
I forgot to talk about this yesterday but I have been playing with my friends a lot these days, and they make me so so happy. I am the happiest I have ever been in these past two months <3. I try to spend as much time as possible with them, as far as my mind lets me, before I am no longer here.
I wish it was that simple, to reach out to them. To ask them if we can hang out, if they can come over to my house, play games together..,. call eachother and watch movies together.. I wish it was easy for me to ask if we could draw together, or do all of those silly activities that I've always dreamed of doing. Instead of having the initiative, they are the ones who reach out to me. I feel so stupid. I KNOW they love me; there's nothing that tells me otherwise. They treat me so well... so why do I feel like I am such a bother? I don't reach out because I know how tiring it is to be around me. I know I'm annoying. I know I'm weird. I don't feel worthy to be around such amazing people. Caring, lovely people.
I don't know anymore.
I think I've planned my suicide more than I've planned my future.
Days go by. Blurry. I forget to write in here a lot, despite the fact that updating this blog is the highlight of my day.
I met this kid on a game that I used to play a lot with my brother. Dude.. :-( kids are so cute when they are polite. At first I didn't want to be friends with him because. Well I'm 17, turning 18 on January 5, so it'd be odd for me to have little kids as friends. I don't know though. In this game, there is a parry option, and, well, not to brag but I am very good at it ;-) (if you don't know what a parry is, it's a mechanic where you have to time a block to deflect an attack. aka blocking as SOON as the opponent attacks). This kid saw what I was doing and he was a bit confused, so he asked me: "Why didn't it hit you?" so I responded "I parried it." He asked me how to do that, but I couldn't respond that because, well, the parrying option differs depending on where you play.
After we finished that dueling round we played another round, but this time I taught him how to parry. He was really sweet and he looked determined to learn, I taught him all about it, where the button was, what parrying was, we practiced parrying with heavy attacks(more lethal but slow), light attacks (less lethal but quick) and jump attacks!! There is this mechanic on this game where a red bar fills with time, and when it is full, you can do an ultimate attack: basically you cut to this amazing animation where you kick your opponent's ass and you deal a good amount of damage. YES it's parry-able and I taught that kid how to parry that attack too. I am basically a mentor to him, and I WOULD be lying if I didn't feel a little bit proud of myself for that teehehehee. x-)
I don't really feel comfortable being around kids, I've always viewed myself as a person with zero patience and bad with kids, so I try to be as far away from them as possible. Kids are sensitive as much as they are insensitive!! they feel the same emotions as we do but, since they're little and still growing, they feel them a hundred times worse!!! do you seriously think I am able to be around those ticking bombs all of the time?? NO!!! I am TERRIBLE with social settings, let alone dealing with kids. But, but but but but but but!!! I always try my best to be that grown-up that they can count on, the grown-up that won't judge them, the grown-up that pops into their head as soon as someone says the words "tell an adult or a grown-up you trust!!". I want to be that for them, someone that they can be safe with. I don't want any kid to not have that in their lives.
But that's neither here nor there. too long; didn't read: I think I'm not as bad with kids as I picture myself to be, the kid I met looked really happy to play with me, and he was really polite too man I was all awww 🥺 aw🥺Awww the entire time we interacted. :-(
I'll come back to finish the last entry, I need to get my thoughts collected first. See ya!!
I've been starting to get into Doki Doki Literature Club AGAIN. It's the third time I've become OBSESSED with this game. The last time I was in the worst state I have ever been; mentally, that is; at 11 years old. God, I love this game so much. I am so glad it's starting to get popular again!!! I know the four girl's personalities to a tea, I know every single easter egg and curiosity that there is in the game, I've listened to the ENTIRE ost AND I've watched maybe 12 hours worth of gameplay from around 5 to 8 different youtubers just to see their reaction to the game.
My love for this game CANNOT be described. I had this entire entry planned out but. I keep forgetting what I want to say when I start writing this is so unfair
AOOUDSGHBNDFS THIS IS SO UNFAIR I WISH I could express myself freely without my brain erasing everything. It drives me MAD. Where should I start? I think the reason why I like this game it's because of how. Personal it is. I can see myself in every single one of those girls; Sayori is the one that hits the closest to home. I've always felt. Worthless. I was not for a long time, I was an excellent student with good grades and a bright future ahead of me!! I won medals, certificates, recognitions... but that changed in a flash. Sometimes I look back into the past and I don't recognize myself at all. But, I can still remember how I felt before everything. Before that hole in my chest appeared and never went away, before I felt my eyes heavy all the time, and my body agonizing for a break.
When Sayori talks to the mc about her depression, it felt like looking at a mirror. Well. Not an ACTUAL mirror, I just felt myself reflected in that dialogue. I thought everybody felt that way, maybe some more than others, I had it so normalized in my head that, when I saw people's reaction to that I felt really confused. I mean, this is not THAT messed up, right? At least that's what I thought to myself.
Don't even get me STARTED on the way Sayori sees herself as a burden because of her mental condition. GOD that felt like I was being called out because of that. I really hate having to worry my friends with my problems, that's why I barely ask for help with anything. That's why I made this blog in the first place; to keep this all to myself, to not worry anyone. ough I cannot find her quote hold on a second.
"Why make other people put their energy and caring to waste by having them spend it on me?"[...]
"And that's why I just want to make everyone happy..."
"Without anyone worrying about me."[...]
"Why do you think I didn't tell you?"
"Because if I told you then you would have to waste effort caring about me instead of doing important things."
"I don't want to be cared about."
:It's bittersweet, when people try to care about me."
"It feels nice sometimes."
"But it also feels like a bat being swung against my head."[...]
"Helping everyone be happy together is the best thing for me".[...]
"The only time I'm not feeling nothing is when I'm feeling pain."
I'm getting sleepy... But I have so much on my mind I can't just stop now.
I love Sayori's potrayal of depression. It's a bit generic but it's scaringly accurate. Especially when we see how it affects her everyday life; her not being able to get up in the morning, how it affects her appetite and her relationship with her friends. I like to potray depression as slowly rotting alive, since it affects EVERY aspect of my life; my grades, my hygiene, my appetite, my relationships with not only my friends, but my family as well, and my memory, too. Hell, even sometimes my motor skills. My room is always a mess, I never see the point on grooming myself, or dress up for any occasion.
I might continue this later. I'm tired.
I love my friends!!!
I fell asleep after that and my mom began to wake me up screaming. She woke me up 3 times screaming.
My GOD I don't want to even THINK about entry 26. I figured it out it's because I keep repressing my feelings and it's making me batshit crazy. It's the reason why I pushed my friend group away, the reason why I feel so overwhelmed and ANGRY all of the time. I realized this when I cried in class (I know, embarrasing. BOOOYYS DONT CRYYYYYY) and after I stopped doing that I felt. A wave of relief. SERIOUSLY!! How can crying be THIS therapeutic??? If I had realized that soon I would've cried much much earlier. I need to stop repressing my feelings so much, and actually start communicating with people. Whatever social trauma I have does not excuse any mistreatment my friends have to deal with from my part. And I know my guilt does not purify me. I will never be pure again after what I made my friend go through.
But that's neither here nor there. I'm feeling happy today. It's been a while since I've written on this blog at midnight, and I feel like typing, so this is going to be a very long entry.
Where do I start? I'm actually doing my assignments for what felt like forever. I've missed writting documents and decorating them with whatever comes to my mind, I'm taking a break for now; turns out the due date is until friday at 11:59 P.M.!!! And I thought it was due today at the same hour, so I let a sigh of relief when I saw that. I forgot how much I love researching and making documents. I feel like a kid again, back when I was in computer lab, working and having fun at my graphics design class.
Also, I'm gonna reheat some chinese food in a little bit. Yum yum.
I miss that class a lot. Sometimes the "miss" part feels more like grieve. I grieve what I could have done, I grieve the way that class made me feel, and how it felt like an escape from the outside world. Even when class ended, and we waited outside the lab for our classmates to finish cleaning, I would look at the view in front of me, and I felt at ease. For a few minutes, I could appreciate my surroundings, as corny as it sounds, my teenagehood too. I could feel the cold breeze against my skin, I heard the sound of the war band playing from below, and I watched the kids from P.E. talking with eachother and hanging out after practicing and exercising. In a period of my life where I yearned to feel a sense of reality in any way, those moments made me feel real. I felt alive and real.
What a way to end school.
I should probably start heating that chinese food I just talked about. I'll write another entry in a bit. See you soon!!
Everyday I become more miserable and I think this is a punishment for being such a bad friend.
I've grown more hateful as time went by. More resentful and aggressive. Is this what they mean when they say the abused becomes the abuser?
Fuck.
I'm becoming a bad person I don't know how to change that. I keep being mean to one of my only irl friends by accident and. Fuck how do I even explain all of this??? It's too much everything feels so overwhelming and I'm angry all of the time. I'm trying to push this friend of mine away from me because I NEED to be alone. I feel like I've never needed to be more alone than now. And he just doesn't LISTEN. So I. Unconsciously become mean to him.
I can't explain this feeling. He's the same guy I talked about on entry 16. After we talked and I told him that I didn't want to be friends with him because of my ongoing issues (like I keep saying, I am not in the best of mental states), he kept trying to talk me out of it. The worst part is that he DID talk me out of it. Now I just feel forced to be his friend when all I want is to be ALONE.
The next day he started talking to me and aoauhhfhdbOAKAKQKNQMQJEBDJJDK!!!!2!$??? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE LET ME PROCESS WHAT'S GOING ON. Let me BREATHE. PLEASE.
I feel so bad about feeling this way because. He's a great guy, he truly is. He is a very understanding person with good manners and he's really kind. But he is.. pushy is not the word to describe him. He just wants to hang out with me all of the time, and I don't want that. He reminds me of. Another friend who I had the same issue with. But I don't think I was that mean to him, at least not as mean as I am with my irl friend.
I feel like I can't have a moment to myself around him. We have seven hours of school approximately, for five days, and all of those seven hours he sits besides me, tries to talk to me, and I. I feel so overwhelmed around him.
Again I'm just repeating the same things over and over again. I've never been good with words.
I need this to stop.
It's cold in here get me out
I love art a lot. I love it so much I've revolved my life around it, to the point where I feel myself lost if I am not doing any type of art. From the moment I wake up in the morning I start thinking about what to do, what to create, what to draw, what to animate, what to write. I spend hours upon hours daydreaming about all the things I could create, fantasizing about showing my work to everyone around me and explaining what it means to me. I dream about them listening to me, and being as excited as I am.
But I never do anything. I never draw, I never animate, I can barely write. I can't create shit.
I never had the passion to do it. To do something outstanding that expresses how I am, how I feel and how I think and see the world. I see my friends create amazing art out of thin air, and it makes me jealous. But I never wish for that spark to burn out, no. In fact, it just makes me feel angry at myself for not being as good as them. I wish I had that creativity, that strength, that discipline to create something. Anything. I admire that a lot.
If I can't create art, what's the point in staying alive?
I have a love-hate relationship with weekends, especially if they're long. On one hand, it leaves me alone with my thoughts. I stay locked into my house (voluntarily) and I don't come out unless I'm obligated to. Isolation can do crazy things to a person. It feels like a psychological torture, being alone with my thoughts and only my thoughts. I don't think my description makes the feeling any justice, but alas.
On the other hand. FFuuuucckkkkk it's an amazing break from school, a distraction from my overflowing wave of academic problems that get bigger and bigger the more time passes by. I don't like thinking about school. at all. My irl friends tease me about it all the time. I always act unbothered but it fills me with rage everytime they do that, I just want to smash my head against the wall until my face becomes unrecognizable.
Okay I lied I don't feel angry, I feel sad. I feel ashamed and embarrased of myself for being such a fucking lazy retarded piece of shit.
Everyday it gets more and more difficult to stay alive.
It's hard to talk with people. Everyone feels so far away.
I love writing in this blog. It makes me feel better everytime I finish an entry, and I dont have to worry anyone with my problems. Killing two birds with one stone amirite
I really love this blog.
Rotting
I've been rotting as far as I can remember. As far as my memory lets me remember.
I remember being 11, and feeling myself sinking into my bed, melting into it and becoming one with the mattress. I felt the sweat stick into my skin, the dirt in my body making it ache with disgust. I felt my hair tangle and knot into a bird's nest, slowly getting greasier and greasier as time went by. Sometimes I just stayed in bed, all day, doing nothing but sob quietly to myself. Always to myself. I conforted myself, wrapped my arms around my body, and if I shut my eyes tightly enough, I could pretend that they were my mother's arms, not mine.
It didn't stop at that age, it followed me to the next year, stuck into my spine like a parasite that I could not see. I began to mold, and mold, and mold. I had mold everywhere, and no matter how much I scrubbed, no matter how much soap I used and how much my nails dug into my skin until it broke, it would never disappear.
I was rotting. I am rotting. Some days I can hide it well, but most of the time you can smell it from a mile away. My family never questioned it. Even when my teeth got filled with cavities, even when my hair fell out in clumps, even when I couldn't move at all because of how exhausted my body was. I kept begging, please. Someone. Can someone see me? can someone see how bad it is? can you see the mold in my skin? the maggots peeking through my eye sockets? the way my limbs stiffen and my hair falls out? can you see me? Please. I kept begging. Please. But everyone turned a blind eye. Even if I talked to them about it, they would scold me for even mentioning the topic. So I gave up, and I kept rotting.
six years. I kept rotting.
for six years
I kept rotting.
I'm still rotting
I am rotting.
I'm losing my passion for writing. I'm losing passion for everything. School, friends, history, art, life. It hurts to wake up in the morning, it hurts to know that It's just another day. Just another day of 242, and then 366, 365. My eyes ache at the sight of my room in the morning, my body goes stiff at the feeling of my lungs pumping, my skin burns at the thought. I'm alive. It's just another day.
It's painful to live.
It doesn't feel the same writing on my phone at school instead of my laptop at my house. I don't like how it feels.
Things have just gotten worse, I barely talk with my friends when I get home from school; at least I talk to people here.
my mind feels so. Fuzzy. I don't know what to say. I don't have a jacket today so my cuts are all visible for EVERYBODY to see and I hate it. This is humiliating I just want to go home and sleep. I have so much on my mind but I can't organize it in a way that is coherent to read. Maybe I'll write some other time.
My mom noticed my cuts yesterday. I really went overboard this time. They cover most of my arm and I can barely hide them It's awful I have to wear a longsleeve jacket in public and it's. warm.
She told me that only crazy people do that, and -in her words- I'm not crazy because I'm smart!!!!!!!!
She said a lot of things to me, which I blocked out, like always. Something about not doing that anymore, and that "cutting oneself is for crazy people" just repeating the same things. She told me that I shouldn't do that because it makes her look bad, what will she say to cps if I decided to kill myself? "Why did she killed herself?" "I don't know!!" She would go straight to jail because of that.
Fuck, I feel like I'm not making any sense, I'm just saying a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Something something she didn't talk with me because she was worried, but because it was going to get her in trouble in the future. sigh. She told me that if I kept doing that, she would have to call cps, or take me to a psychiatrist. I don't know man.
I thought a lot about her. How much she has went through, and how her life ended up to be. It pains me so much to think that she never got the life she deserved. Sure, she is a bit mean, and I'm scared of her. sometimes. but she is my mom. She may not be biologically but she's the only mother figure I have. And she went through so much, I don't want to be another struggle to her, I don't want to make her suffer because of my own selfish actions and my faults. She is way too old to do all the chores by herself, she can barely walk, she is the only one helping financially in our house and she has to wear glasses to see. Some of her fat hangs from her belly and it makes walking for her difficult god just thinking about it makes me want to cry. How that poor woman must suffer daily.. I seriously need to get my shit together and help her in any way I can. It doesn't matter if I have to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort to do so, it doesn't matter if I have to stop talking to my friends, or go outside, or do anything that I like. All I need to do is give her good grades, help her financially if I can, help her with chores, and with everything she needs. I can barely get up in the morning, but I'll manage. I'll give up my queerness and repress it just for her. I'll find a way to be her perfect child. I'll lose myself in the way but it doesn't matter.
I am so so happy and excited I'M GONNA PLAY TOMODACHI LIFE LIVING THE DREAM AAAAJSDEFWBGREJHBIJGRKAEJMGRB,BJKEGBHJNLKAJFKJAFE My friend xav is sososososo cool I love him so much!!!! ^_^ aoifurhn I cannot WAIT to play it.
I think that's all I don't have that much to say, I feel really giddy and I've been watching tomodachi life gameplays for the past hour :-P
It's the 23rd already??? holy shit I keep losing track of time.
There's this friend of mine who keeps trying to talk to me when I DON'T want to talk. I know he does it out of pity because he sees that I'm always alone but I feel uncomfortable around him.I notice that if people try to talk to me EVERYDAY I start to resent them a little. I feel really bad for him, too. I had been nothing but an asshole to him and he deserves better but. Come on. I have been trying to stay away from him because I am not in a good mental state, and I get REALLY weird and stupid and just straight up a bad person when I'm not well. I have told him, time and time again "Hey, I'm not in a good state of mind I don't think we should be friends" And the next day I sit far away from him only for him to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME. DUDE. LEAVE ME ALONE I NEED SPACE I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER!??!!?! He's way too pushy and I don't like that.
He also makes me feel really self conscious of my femininity. He doesn't COMMENT on it but. He treats me different than others. And he has even told me that himself. He reminds me a lot that I am a woman in his eyes with his actions and his entire demeanor. I HATE it. I DESPISE that. I hate every second of it and I think that made me resent him even more.
It's not his fault at all, he's actually a really kind friend, but I can't lie and say that it doesn't bother me when he acts like he has to walk on eggshells around me. Like I'm a ticking bomb who's gonna explode the MOMENT he does a wrong move.
I just want people to treat me normally. For ONCE.
I hate it when people take photos of me. I hate it so much it's disgusting seeing myself. Oh my fucking god That was DISGUSTING to see
I have something to rant about..
I always sit at a specific desk, ever since I entered the 3rd and 4th semester of high school.
Just yesterday, after getting out of ICT class (which is in the computer lab.) I see someone sitting on my seat. That I had been using since the very beginning.
Am I petty for being mad at this? Yes!!! do I care? NO!!!1!1
Whatevaaa the seat I have right now is way more comfortable. I'm still not used to the change
I haven't had time to write on this blog I am so sick of everything I am sick of school I am sick of my teachers pushing tons of work down my throat I am sick of everything.
I am so frustrated. I haven't had time for writing at all and I have a lot of things to talk about. First, on Saturday my family from the US came to visit us. My mom got mad at me for being on my laptop, apparently she told me to go to the backyard with my little cousin but I didn't hear her, so she grounded me, while calling me a stupid fucker(? (Thanks mom I love you too).
So I was grounded, overwhelmed. I had a lot of allergies so I could barely breathe, I couldn't write, I hadn't slept last night so I was running on ZERO hours of sleep. I was running around in circles because everyone was calling out to me
Hey, do this!! Do that!! Why are you doing that when I told you to do this!?!! You forgot to do that!! Now do this!!! nevermind do this instead!!!
I don't get why my mom was so upset because of that. I was already babysitting my cousin for the ENTIRE DAY, an hour or two of playing on my computer won't hurt anybody aouhghgngj..
The next day for some reason my mom didn't say anything when I grabbed my laptop, or my phone. Here's the thing about my mom: she switches up SO fast it disorients you. You could be laughing with her about something and in the blink of an eye she starts lecturing you about it, only for her to act like NOTHING HAPPENED after 5 minutes. It always messed with my head as a kid.
We always have this thing on Sundays where we all gather as a family and drive around the city. I hate those days. We are outside for more than 6 hours and it gets tiring. Some sundays we are outside for 10 HOURS IT DRIVES ME INSANE. They always fight anyways, I don't see the point in gathering together if we aren't going to get along.
Every Sunday I convince myself that my family is not going to do a "family Sunday", so I don't worry about my appearance too much. I'm always wrong and I always look like a mess. Sigh
I realized that going out of the classroom helps me a lot with my mental state. I Should probably do that more. But not when. there's people around. It makes me anxious it makes me mad. Well not mad it just makes me uncomfortable
Gen alpha will DEFINITELY mock Gen Z's weird obsession with being a revolutionary on GOD
What time is it??
11:43 A.M.
Approximately
I can't use my phone at this hour so I have to write on paper. I'm carving lines on my eraser with my nail, the feeling of the rubber breaking whenever I stab it with my nail, and the sensation of them rubbing together reminds me a lot of the feeling of the blade against my skin. And how the tensión breaks and it begins to burn.
It's a really nice alternative if you have the urge to cut, the eraser ends up being all bumpy and with a lot of texture.
Oh my god I feel so disoriented and. Bad just bad. I can barely write.
I don't see the point in anything. It's class time and I'm not doing any work. I feel like such a slob but writing is the only thing that keeps me going at this point. Not even drawing makes me feel good.
Something that was there for me through thick and thin now feels so draining to do. Nothing that I do feels mine, it doesn't feel right. I think I've already talked about this in a previous entry I don't CAREEEEEEEEE ROFLLLLLLLL🤣🤣That is sarcasm
Drawing was my passion, it was my fuel. But I was never good at it, was I? I've always done lazy doodles here, a half-assed sketched there. On the rare occasions that I've ACTUALLY drawn a full finished piece it doesn't. Feel authentic. It always feels like something's missing. Something that says this piece is mine.
I remember being 14, and being very experimental. God, that was my best era when it came to art. I was such an expressive kid; I used different techniques, different materials, I used whatever I had to make the most of it. Sure, I was still on Artblock, and I didn't give it my fullest potential due to my major depressive episode at the time, but I still managed to do something. It felt so genuinely mine that, when I look back at it, I don't think I'll ever be able to do something so genuine.
Does that make sense? I don't think it does. I've always had troubles with expressing myself, especially with words. I've never been good with words; I digress too much, I don't get to the point, and I stutter whenever I speak. It's torture. Every second of it. It feels as if there's a barrier between me and everyone I've ever met. Even the people who know me best, I still feel so. Disconnected.
I don't feel connected to a lot of things. I wish I could.
I feel connected to this blog, though!! :-) and music, but I'm starting to feel myself disconnect from it slowly. And I feel really connected to my friends when they vent to me. Maybe that's why I yearn for vulnerability, to feel some sort of closeness to the people I love the most.
I barely have that problem with my best friend. Barely. Sometimes I don't feel like we're as close as we used to be, but that quickly changes from time to time. I love him so much. 3 Everytime I talk to him I feel my world brighten, I feel my mood getting better and my problems disappear. He has done so much for me and I feel like I'm not doing anything for him.
I'm not making any sense here. Sigh
I'm just tired. I should focus more on school..
I need to rememeber i need ned neneed nee d to remember
8.7 months, 37.7 weeks, 264 days.
Some things happened today
Dude I don't even want to write in English for this one
Pense que iba a andar de huevon en la hora de educacion fisica, que solo iba a ir al gimnasio a sentarme, comer moscas y andar en mi celular (Específicamente aquí. Escribiendo en mi blog👀) Pero NO!!!! Noté que había una pelota de voleibol suelta, así que la recogí y andaba pensando en preguntarle a algunas personas si querían jugar conmigo, pero el solo pensamiento me ATERRA. No soy bueno socializando con gente nueva, y me cuesta empezar conversaciones. Pero una conocida me vio y me pregunto si queria hacer equipo con ella para un trabajo que nos puso el de educacion fisica (eso es tema aparte), le dije que si y despues me pregunto si jugabamos juntos volei. OBVIAMENTE dije que si, Ademas, me quitaba un problema de encima T T
Despues invite a un amigo a jugar con nosotros, la verdad jugabamos PESIMO (en especial yo :-() pero al final si mejoramos mucho
ya vino el profe AAAAAAA
Volví, pero no puedo escribir por mucho tiempo, ya es la hora de salida y sigo en el salón. De seguro mi mamá me está esperando afuera de la escuela, asi que debo de irme👀💧
Solo edite algunas cosas. Al rato vuelvo.
Tmr, apenas llegue a la casa comi y me dormi. Ni supe en que momento cai rendido, solo me acoste y luego me desperte en la noche.
Continuando con lo de ayer, despues, en la clase de literatura, nos pusieron un trabajo en donde debiamos de escribir acerca de nuestras vacaciones. Me deje llevar y termine escribiendo una hoja y media. Cuando terminamos, la profe nos hizo que pasaramos al frente a leer lo que escribimos, tuve DEMASIADA suerte de que no me eligiera a mi. Lo que habia escrito la verdad estaba un poquito edgy, y me iba a morir de la verguenza si me hacia pasar al frente de todos a leerlo.
Al final de la clase le dije a la profe sobre eso, y me pidio que se lo leyera. Cuando termine de leerle mi escrito, me empezo a decir que la forma en la que escribo es sencilla pero tiene un poco lenguaje literario, es claro y preciso— algo asi. Llegaba a ser hasta poetico.
Me senti bien halagado la verdad jejenrnfkfngkeiek <33 aiwjhejf AOUFHFHG no se que decir al respecto. Se sintio bien escuchar eso de parte de una persona que sabe mucho de gramatica y de la lengua española en general.
I tried to type an entry yesterday but I didn't have time for it sighhh.,. Whatever im typing this from my phone and its surprisingly really comfortable:-)
I don't really like school. I get easily distracted so having to do homework (assignments in general) is hell for me. It doesn't help that I don't see myself being anything meaningful in the future. School is just a reminder that I'm fighting for a future that will never come. Or doesn't exist.
Something something I bet on losing dogs
Plus, I have my friends (well, ex friends) sitting right behind me. It makes me sick being reminded of how horrible I am to be around every day at 7 in the morning. AND I CAN'T EVEN CHANGE SEATS BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER SEATS ARE TAKEN IT'S DRIVING ME MAD AOOUFJHFFBGJ
All because of a stupid ICT project. I hate myself everyday for it.
Okay it's too early in the morning to be this negative. The teacher hasn't come to the classs yet so I'm good. I have to go now, though. I'm using mobile data and I DON'T want to waste it all on being emo
Yesterday was. Awful I have to be honest. One of my friends attempted and thankfully it failed. I was so scared for them I can't even imagine being without them. I don't even know what to say in here, I'm still shocked by everything that happened. I shouldn't have taken that nap, I should've been more cautious. Maybe, if I was there to talk them out of it, they wouldn't have to experience such an awful thing. I should've done more.
My mom keeps commenting awful things about my body, especially my body hair. My mom likes to compare my body hair to pubes, she also comments about my genitals. I feel really dirty around her, ashamed and degraded. She doesn't care about my safety or comfort, she only cares about what others think of me and how I look. She doesn't care that shaving irritates my skin, she doesn't care that my legs ache whenever I do that. She doesn't care. I need to look pretty in her eyes to be okay. That's all that matters to her, appearances.
Luzio and I are reporting an ▋▋▋▋ account who is doxxing someone, oh my god
Me caga la gente que dice la n-word. Ya han sido 3 ocasiones que uno que otro amigo dice esa palabra de la nada. La verdad ya no se que hacer, les intento decir acerca del peso historico que tiene esa palabra, pero parece que caen en oidos sordos y me ENFADA. ¿¿Es tan dificil no decir una palabra que no puedes reclamar?? Y lo peor es que no puedo nada mas dejar de ser su amigo, ya he perdido a muchos de mis amigos y no puedo soportar una perdida mas. Eso me hace igual e incluso peor que ellos. Si me sigo topando con ese tipo de personas, ¿Que dice eso de mi? Soy un asco de persona. Me repugno a mi mismo.
Siento que no le caigo bien a mis amigos, cada dia los noto mas cortantes conmigo. Antes podiamos pasar horas hablando de cualquier cosa que se nos viniera a la mente, y ahora hasta preguntar "¿Como estuvo tu dia?" se siente tan incomodo. Siento que para ellos soy muy molesto, muy enfadoso. Y es de esperarse. No soy un buen conversador, no soy chistoso, no tengo carisma. Soy un cobarde que se muerde la lengua para no "causar una escena", pero a la vez soy un conteston en las situaciones en donde no se necesita, soy un flojo, y un puerco. Mi cuarto esta hecho un desastre, siento el sudor de mi frente mojar mi cabello, y no recuerdo la ultima vez que me cepille los dientes. Tengo gustos raros: cada vez que le hablo a alguien de algo que me gusta, ya sea una cancion, una pelicula, un juego, o cualquier otra cosa, siento como me juzgan; como si hubiera escogido la opcion incorrecta en un juego de decisiones. Asi ha sido siempre. El ser yo mismo es un castigo en mis ojos.
Dios, algunas veces siento que mi mera presencia cansa. Algunas veces desearia alejarme de todos y nunca tener contacto con ningun ser humano otra vez. ¿Por que sere asi? Desde que tengo memoria siempre ha habido algo en mi que no encaja. Algo raro: Algo feo. Obviamente es Autismo. Esta cosa me esta arruinando la vida. Arruina mi vocabulario, mis relaciones, la forma en la que veo el mundo... todo. Siento que lo peor que le he hecho a los demas ha sido tener la desfortuna de conocerme. Si tan solo hubiera cerrado el puto hocico cuando conociera a alguien talvez los demas estuvieran bien, y no tendrian que lidiar conmigo.
Mi madre no merece a alguien como yo como hijo. Intento mejorar, de verdad que lo intento, pero lo retrasado no se le quita a uno aunque le pegues con escobazos. La quiero mucho. A pesar de que viera mi cuerpo de 9 años como algo seductor, a pesar de que me acariciara el lado de mis muslos y me dijera lo "piernudo" que me veia, a pesar de que todo esos tratos hicieran que viera a mi cuerpo como algo asqueroso, algo que debia de modificar y torturar por el simple hecho de ser asi. Aun asi la quiero. No la quiero - La amo. La amo tanto que
Debo de mejorar. Debo de ser mejor y dejarme de pendejadas. Voy a cumplir 18 en unos meses. Debo de empezar a comportarme como un adulto funcional. Debo de dejar de comportarme de una manera tan infantil. Debo de mejorar mi postura. Mis gustos. Mi forma de hablar. La forma en la que acentuo las palabras. Mis calificaciones. La forma en la que me visto. La forma en la que me expreso. Mis gustos musicales. No debo de ser yo mismo. Debo de olvidar todo lo que me caracteriza. Debo de olvidarme de mi misma.
Pero no puedo.
Como podre hacer todo eso si no puedo ni siquiera levantarme de la cama algunos dias? Como podre hacer todo eso si no puedo ni recoger mi cuarto? Soy un perro que solo ladra pero no muerde. Soy ridiculo.
Tomato soup with sour cream and tuna is delicious but nobody is ready for that fact
Whatever I do it just doesn't feel like me. The way I type, the way I interact with others, even my art. The way I express myself feels foreign. Is this really me? Is this how I've turned out? It doesn't feel right nothing feels right. Everything is so out of place. Why do I feel like a stranger in my own body?? Words don't even make sense anymore. Sentences and paragraphs are a bunch of gibberish, nonesense,.
I remember a version of myself that felt so uniquely me. It feels so far away. Where are you?? This is not me
I am not who this body used to be
ogiuhgh ough
The reason why I decided to start this blog is mostly because I am becoming such an INSUFFERABLE and MISERABLE person to be around. And I don't want my friends to suffer because of it 👀💧 what else uhhh This is going to be a vent blog, I will talk about pretty heavy topics and such yada yada you know how #emo vents are #fuckmystupidbakalife
If I REALLY feel like having a connection to the thing I'm writing I will switch to spanish
There's something so beautiful about the english language that makes me feel a type of disconnection from every piece of literature that I make smiles giggles joy😁 that was sarcasm
whatever. *flips my emo hair*
I finally finished coding this site. It's 7:42 am. I'm gonna sleep now it's getting more difficult to type.
"On april 7th, 2026, people stopped being born. On the same day, people stopped dying, and people stopped aging."
Happy april 7th 2026 :-)